If you’re a teacher, you know that there’s no such thing as a normal day. Over the course of a single school day, students, no matter how old they are, will do some pretty … unexpected things. Therefore, you inevitably find yourself stringing together sentences you would have never guessed would come out of your mouth. Like ever.
Recently, we took to Facebook to ask teachers about the most surprising sentences they’ve actually said lately. Here are some of our favorites. And before you ask—yes, these are all 100% real.
1. “If you have wasps in your pocket take them out now.”
He did, in fact, have wasps in his pocket. They were alive.
2. “Please don’t bite me.”
Lori B. says this was met with, “Oh, I wasn’t going to bite you. I just wanted to lick you.’”
3. “Who is snorting like a pig?”
It’s certainly true that teachers end up having to investigate mysterious animal noises being made by humans more often than the average person does.
4. “Don’t microwave the baby.”
Giving kids time for free play is good, but it’s still good to encourage good behavior.
5. “Don’t touch his Woody without his permission.”
Chris W. said this after a student tried to take a classmate’s Toy Story toy.
6. “You can have your cremated snake back at the end of the day.”
Sometimes you just have to remove the distraction from the equation.
7. “Why do you have your grandma’s false teeth?”
And we want to know: Does grandma know about this?
8. “We don’t poke the door with our penis.”
Sometimes direct is greatest.
9. “Please don’t use your tongue to touch the button on the Smartboard.”
This is never a good idea.
10. “Glue sticks are not chapstick.”
This quote comes from Chrissy R., who teaches 8th grade. Yup, I said 8TH GRADE.
11. “Why do you have fried chicken in your pocket?”
This takes snacking to a new level.
12. “Why do you have a baby bird in your backpack?”
It was alive. But it sure didn’t belong at school.
13. “We can’t chew gum that we find on the bathroom floor.”
I mean, we can—but we shouldn’t.
14. “We don’t drink hand sanitizer.”
This was said to a junior in high school.
15. “Thanks for inviting me to the kegger, but I’m a teacher.”
Amy S. was 21 and teaching at a large high school when she got invited to a keg party.
16. “No, I do not want to see your scientist underwear.”
The teacher did add, “I’m sure it’s super cool though.”
17. “Stop barking!”
I’m betting there was no dog in this classroom.
18. “Please don’t tell me my soul belongs to you.”
Too much sci-fi for this student.
19. “Um, that’s not a balloon. That’s a condom.”
Brenda M. says her student had taken a condom from his mom’s drawer and then blew it up at school.
20. “Did you just put a banana in my coffee?”
The answer was yes.
21. “Please don’t put pipe cleaners in your nose.”
Kathy V. tells us she had to give this reminder to her sixth graders. She also had to add, “Don’t put them in your friends’ noses either.”
22. “Turn off your shoes!”
Yes, those light-up shoes can be turned off with a button.
23. “Get your eraser out of your belly button!”
To be clear, Gretchen M. said she actually said, “Get your borrador out of your ombligo!” She was talking to a third-grade Spanish class.
24. “Take your finger out of the hole in your desk. It’s going to get stuck again.”
This teacher tells us this is something she had to say to a senior.
25. “Why did you lick her fingers?”
Why do they lick EVERYTHING. No one is safe.
26. “We keep our eyes open when we’re walking.”
This is one that Debra M. overheard a colleague say to first graders. She was trying to keep them safe!
27. “Don’t touch my tummy. I don’t touch your tummy.”
Kathy D. says this is something she has to say to her first graders—on a regular basis.
28. “Do NOT lick urinals!”
Just the thought of it made you crinkle your nose, didn’t it?
29. “No, you can’t pick up the poop with your hands OR with a stick.”
It’s a no either way.
30. “Even if your hands don’t smell like pee, you still need to wash them.”
You’re not a teacher unless you’ve said something like this.
31. “Put your eyeball back in your head and quit scaring the girls with it.”
Susan W. said this to a student who had a fake eye.
32. “Stop snorting Altoids up your nose!”
This was a new one, even for Dinah F., who teaches eighth grade math.
33. “Where are your pants?!”
Julianne M. had to ask a freshman in high school this!
34. “How did he pee on your head?”
Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
35. “Honey, are you sure you want to name your unicorn horny?”
It seems like a logical name.
36. “You are NOT allowed to take off your shoe and bite your toenails in this classroom.”
37. “If you’re thirsty, please go drink out of the water fountain instead of that puddle.”
You are not a puppy!
38. “When we get angry, we don’t take our pants off.”
There are other ways of dealing with anger.
39. “Don’t lick your armpit! We have already discussed this!”
This was something Donna T. said this to a nine-year-old boy when he was wearing a sleeveless shirt.
40. “Metal forks do not go in electrical sockets.”
I really hope this student listened.
What are some of the strangest things you’ve said in your classroom? Share them with us in our Facebook group, teacherfy Chat!
Plus, take a look at these 18 hilarious GIFs that summarize the first year as a teacher .